The next few days were a blurr to me. I remember my Sister and family, Aunt Berta and Uncle Gerald and Uncle Jay and Aunt Mary coming for Mother's funeral. I also remember them whispering " I wish I could take her back etc" and other things. Why would they take me from my Daddy? He was the only good thing I had!I remember a boy from my class Freddie came to the funeral. He sat with me and it was nice to have a friend there. I always thought he was a great guy.
Marsha, My Aunt Roberta and I went to the funeral home and we saw Mother lying there in her coffin. Aunt Berta said for us to hold hands and pray. Being so stupid I thought she meant for me to grab Mother's hand too. It was cold, hard and creepy.But yet her hands looked normal and not twisted like before. It was like all the pain had been drained in death from her body. My niece who was almost 2 said " Grandma Billie is sleeping". That was the last time I looked upon my Mother.
It was hard to go back to school and see people. They all got in my face with " I am so sorry". " Can I do anything?'. Yes, just leave me alone. Daddy and I both I think felt numb for awhile. We got into our own normal rythmn. What is that?? Normal?? I had to learn to cook, clean and take care of the house. There were 2 very nice women at school that took me under their wings. Mrs. Benson from the office watched out for me and had me help her in the office one period a day. I liked that.
Then the home ec teacher had me make a chore chart and I got credit each week when I turned it in.
I tried cooking I really did, I was 13 and had no clue. My Daddy would cook hamburger patties alot and steaks. At least we did not starve. Daddy loved to play poker and would go to the VA hall and play on Tuesday nights. He continued that after Mother died. I remember I would cry when he was gone. I hated to be left alone and some nights would call there and ask him " Daddy when are you coming home?". It was his way to relax. He did not drink or smoke. He played golf and loved to gamble and bet. But I always knew how much my Daddy loved me. He made me safe, he told me he loved me every day. God knew my life would have been very very different if he had been the one to die and not Mother,
My sister lived on a farm in the Panhandle. Daddy would send me there to stay with her for all my holidays and vacations after Mother died. He knew I needed a woman in my life. I loved to go see her and my nephews! I made friends there and finally got to be a somewhat normal young girl! Plus there were some cute BOYS there!!! I was able to live the life of a normal girl giggling with friends and have no drama!
I remember the first boy I ever liked. I was in the 7th grade and his name was David Massingill. He was blond, blue eyed and CUTE!!! I got my first kiss by him. Daddy had taken us to the carnival and brought us home. We were waiting for his Mom to come get him. ( We were 14). He kissed me right there!! I even remember the date! March 3. 1971. Crazy right?
When the Exorcist movie came out I went to go see it with friends. There were flash scenes that were supposed to touch your subconcious. The Devil parts did not scare me but the flashes of a dead woman lying on a bed sure did. I came home and at 15 asked my Daddy if I could sleep in his room that night. It brought back my own dead Mother flashes. To this day I will NOT watch that movie because of those scenes. Devil?? BAH! Dead Mother?? OH NO!!!!
My sweet precious loving Daddy did the best he could. But I always had an emptiness and fear inside me and at times still do. I am afraid of being left, being unloved, being unworthy.I knowing I have abandonment issues from my childhood. I try my best but they are always there.
Boys, I turned 15-16 and had DATES!! Real dates with cars etc!! Daddy before I went out would always say ; 'Daddy trusts you". Which is code for NO SEX. SEX?? You got it Daddy no way!! I was saving myself for marriage. The first time a boy tried to touch my boob I freaked!!! I learned the arm over the boob trick and used it ALOT!! Why is it EVERY guy tried this manuver. No one got past a kiss with me. I guess that is why each time I had a boy friend we did not date long." A guy may date those girls Tina Nanette, but they will NEVER marry them. HA, well at least I had that going for me.
David, Ron,Rick, Leslie, John....these were the names of the guys I dated. These guys were special memories for a young girl But none were THE ONE. He would come a few years later,
I have the letters I wrote my sister during these years. I talk about boys and missing my Mother. What did I miss??Not the drunk or the crazy Mother but my mayo, pepper and movie Mother. I did not get to hang with that one enough.
One very strong memory I have is after Mother died. Maybe 3 months after. My best friend BB was spending the night. I heard my Mother. I got up and opend the door to her room. I turned on the light and there she was lying on the bed! We talked and she asked how Daddy and I were. She said she was good and in no pain and she loved me. Then she said she had to go. I turned around and my friend was in the hall shaking me telling me I was walking in my sleep. Was I sleeping? Did it happen? I have had to many after death experiences with family and friends since then. I believe my Mother did come to me. She was finally at peace and wanted to check on me.
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