April 23 My Mother's Birthday

April 23,2015
Today is my Mother's Birthday. She would have been 99.Mother died when I was 13.Not long enough to have one but long enough to be affected the rest of my life by the way she lived hers.
We all have our demons, our stories, things we would never ever tell anyone for fear of ridicule or fear of being looked down on. My Mother put the Func in Disfunctional. I have flashes of scenes of my life growing up that I remember now. Scary things where I ask myself if it really happened? But I know they did. It was just a young mind repressing things it could not understand or deal with,
I know I need to make changes in my own life. Feel better about myself, Lose weight etc. I first must deal with why I feel the way I do. Inadaquate, ugly, fat, unworthy,not good enough, fear of losing the ones I love. Fear of not being loved.
I was born May 14 1958 to Arthur and Billie Bradshaw. Daddy had been married before and had one son Roy a brother I never knew until years later,( that is for another day),Mother had been married 6 times( Yes I said 6) and had one daughter my sister Marsha ( chapter for another day). Mother married at 13, ( he was older and died 3 months ! OH MY), at 16 to my sister's fatehr Claude Hutcherson.She left Marsha with Claude at 18 and ran off. She was not ready to be a Mother and Marsha had issues with this all her life. Next she married Carver Hoyle, then Felix Tanco, ( divorced) then remarried Felix and while married to him the second time met my Daddy. The rest as they say is history.
Little did my Dad know my Mother had issues.She drank, took pills, etc. He did as best he could and finally could not live with her anymore.They day he went to see a lawyer is the same day my Mother went to the Dr. Yep you guessed it! She was pregnant with me and got her news out first when Daddy came home. Daddy said Mother was sober and took care of herself while pregnant. But soon after I was 3 she started back to her old, old ways.