Mother healthy the day of my 1st birthday
Thursday, April 30, 2015
Life, Love and other things!
Steve and I kept dating and it got serious fast. When you know you know and we did. We went and looked at Wedding rings and I saw the set I liked. In November on a date night I met Steve holding a red rose. Inside that rose was my engagement ring. The whole on the knee thing. YES!! YES!! YES!!! I will marry you!
My Daddy loved Steve. He knew Steve loved me and would care for me and take care of me. One thing though per Daddy. We HAD to be engaged for a year. But soon he said do you want to get married sooner?? Ah well I am planning and August 12th wedding Daddy I have to plan!
We got a apartment with University housing at ASU. We had our time to fix it up and get it ready before we married.Daddy and Steve's folks got us furniture and we both took things from the house.
Time passed and I chose my wedding dress, we chose our cake etc. Daddy had no clue how much a wedding cost and he did not have the money so Steve and I paid for our wedding. Got my dress, veil and shoes from Hemphill Wells and got a discount. My bridesmaids got their own dresses, Steve's Dad paid for the tuxes and we did the rest. The rest was the cake. Got the church reception area for free and friends of Steve's folk's the Clemer's gave us there cabin in Cloudcroft, New Mexico to use for our honeymoon.I think the whole wedding may have cost us $500.00.Later we were able to help our son and daughter in law have the wedding we did not get to have,
Did you ever see the blue tuxes Alec Baldwin wore in Working Girl? Those were the same baby blue tuxes our groomsmen wore and Steve wore off white tailed cut away tux.
We did the whole you can't see the Bride before the wedding and I talked to Steve through my bedroom window curtain.with my sister in my door way! No fancy Bridesmaid before wedding party. My sister and cousin Jana hung out at the house. My sweet Mother in Law did host a luncheon for me and the church gave us a nice Bridal Shower.
The night of the wedding my dress was late being delivered. I was in a panic, everyone was ready but me! I have a picture of when she finally showed up an you can see it in my face. I was prepared to walk down the isle in my jeans if I had too.
I love the picture of Daddy and I that was taken that night. He loved me and I loved him so much and it shows. I would always be his little girl married or not. When we had our rehearal the night before I sat and watched.( Bad luck for the Bride to participate), He cried practcing giving my Aunt Kay away!So sweet.
So the wedding went off with only one hitch or I should say stich. When I was walking to Steve I forgot to stop and let Cindy get my train. She stepped on it and you could hear the RIP-P-P. My dress ripped from the waist a bit. But we kept going, Still have the dress on and still it has the rip,
I was very emotional and was on the verge of tears during the vows, Steve kept smiling and winking at me to help."I now pronounce you Man and Wife". I am married!!!!!! What happens now?
My Daddy loved Steve. He knew Steve loved me and would care for me and take care of me. One thing though per Daddy. We HAD to be engaged for a year. But soon he said do you want to get married sooner?? Ah well I am planning and August 12th wedding Daddy I have to plan!
We got a apartment with University housing at ASU. We had our time to fix it up and get it ready before we married.Daddy and Steve's folks got us furniture and we both took things from the house.
Time passed and I chose my wedding dress, we chose our cake etc. Daddy had no clue how much a wedding cost and he did not have the money so Steve and I paid for our wedding. Got my dress, veil and shoes from Hemphill Wells and got a discount. My bridesmaids got their own dresses, Steve's Dad paid for the tuxes and we did the rest. The rest was the cake. Got the church reception area for free and friends of Steve's folk's the Clemer's gave us there cabin in Cloudcroft, New Mexico to use for our honeymoon.I think the whole wedding may have cost us $500.00.Later we were able to help our son and daughter in law have the wedding we did not get to have,
Did you ever see the blue tuxes Alec Baldwin wore in Working Girl? Those were the same baby blue tuxes our groomsmen wore and Steve wore off white tailed cut away tux.
We did the whole you can't see the Bride before the wedding and I talked to Steve through my bedroom window curtain.with my sister in my door way! No fancy Bridesmaid before wedding party. My sister and cousin Jana hung out at the house. My sweet Mother in Law did host a luncheon for me and the church gave us a nice Bridal Shower.
The night of the wedding my dress was late being delivered. I was in a panic, everyone was ready but me! I have a picture of when she finally showed up an you can see it in my face. I was prepared to walk down the isle in my jeans if I had too.
I love the picture of Daddy and I that was taken that night. He loved me and I loved him so much and it shows. I would always be his little girl married or not. When we had our rehearal the night before I sat and watched.( Bad luck for the Bride to participate), He cried practcing giving my Aunt Kay away!So sweet.
So the wedding went off with only one hitch or I should say stich. When I was walking to Steve I forgot to stop and let Cindy get my train. She stepped on it and you could hear the RIP-P-P. My dress ripped from the waist a bit. But we kept going, Still have the dress on and still it has the rip,
I was very emotional and was on the verge of tears during the vows, Steve kept smiling and winking at me to help."I now pronounce you Man and Wife". I am married!!!!!! What happens now?
Tuesday, April 28, 2015
"Tina You're beautiful!"
Like I mentioned before ;my drama group would hang out with the older graduates and do things. I had been dating one boy from my drama class Stuart and we all had gone to Denny's homecoming night my Senior year.There we all were with the older gang: Gary, Dwyane and Steve. I knew who Steve Howard was. He went to my Junior High. He ran for Student Council. I had the impression he was stuck up and felt her was 'God's gift to women". HA!! Well that night at the table at Denny's he leaned over and in front of everyone said : "Tina You're beautiful!". He then sat by me and proceeded to plan our life together and wedding. WHAT??? My friend Mike Medlock was there and unbeknownest to me at the time had a SERIOUS crush on me. He was not happy Steve was paying attention to me and I was listening. The next day at school Mike asked me about what was said. I think I said something like 'Oh just some foolishness. Mike then called Steve and said I called him a FOOL!! Then Steve called me and gave me the once over. He did not believe me and believed these lies Mike said. Oh well.....
After graduating High School and summer I got a job at a local Dress shop Hemphill Wells. I did not want to go to college and Daddy could not pay for it. And Grandaddy per Kate wasn't either! I did try beauty school that summer but quit when I had to go to a rest home and work on hair. Nope! Not for me. I will work on mine and my friends hair thank you very much,.
Stuart the guy from Drama class and I stopped seeing each other. ( Never serious, someone to date). One day my best friend Linda Melone said "You really should give Steve Howard a chance, he is crazy about you.". Ok, let him know I am free to date.( I never dated more than one guy at a time). So she did and he called right away! We went out and had steaks and went to a movie. But when we got to the movie ( Great Scout and Cathouse Friday) was no longer playing.So he said wanna go to my house and watch TV? So we did. It was Friday night and his folks were at the football game. They came home early to find me and Steve on the couch JUST watching TV. Oh great, they think I am THAT kind of girl.... Steve took me home and I let him kiss me goodnight. The first boy I EVER let do that! Hey; he wasn't the stuck up guy I thought. He was handsome, funny and very nice. He told me later he knew that night I was the girl he was going to marry.
After graduating High School and summer I got a job at a local Dress shop Hemphill Wells. I did not want to go to college and Daddy could not pay for it. And Grandaddy per Kate wasn't either! I did try beauty school that summer but quit when I had to go to a rest home and work on hair. Nope! Not for me. I will work on mine and my friends hair thank you very much,.
Stuart the guy from Drama class and I stopped seeing each other. ( Never serious, someone to date). One day my best friend Linda Melone said "You really should give Steve Howard a chance, he is crazy about you.". Ok, let him know I am free to date.( I never dated more than one guy at a time). So she did and he called right away! We went out and had steaks and went to a movie. But when we got to the movie ( Great Scout and Cathouse Friday) was no longer playing.So he said wanna go to my house and watch TV? So we did. It was Friday night and his folks were at the football game. They came home early to find me and Steve on the couch JUST watching TV. Oh great, they think I am THAT kind of girl.... Steve took me home and I let him kiss me goodnight. The first boy I EVER let do that! Hey; he wasn't the stuck up guy I thought. He was handsome, funny and very nice. He told me later he knew that night I was the girl he was going to marry.
Monday, April 27, 2015
Life goes on
Life own seemed to go on as it always does. Daddy and I got into our rhythm and he loved to entertain my girlfriends when I has sleep overs. He would grill hot dogs and go get us donuts. What fun!! I was learning about makeup, hair and BOYS! Oh yes I did starting liking a new Teen Idol at 15 who was my age! Donny Osmond. He was from a BIG family and I remembered Mother and Daddy watching him and his brothers on the Andy Williams show. The Osmond Brothers came to Ft Worth in 1973 and Daddy let me get us tickets. We were in the nose bleed section but I was so happy to see them in their Elvis white jumpsuits. I loved Puppy Love and The Twelve of Never. He was singing that to me right? Got to meet him too when I got older and that was a thrill! Still looking and sounding great.
Soon it was time for me to graduate High School. I had no idea what I wanted to do. I loved to paint and draw and while in High School helped design and make sets for the musicals and I was even in a couple of plays, I loved make believe and it was fun to be someone else. I loved hair and makeup so I thought beauty school! My sweet Grandaddy wanted me to have a college education and was willing to pay for it. But his wife my step grandmother would not hear of it. I remember her calling me an saying I WOULD NOT TAKE MY GRANDFATHER'S money!! It was not HIS place to pay for my education etc. I told my Daddy and he was LIVID!!! He was not fond of her anyway. He always blamed her for losing his son, my brother Roy when he was little. Granddaddy and Kate had custody of Roy whiile Daddy was in the Navy. Roy remembers events where he was litterally pulled between both parents. Such a hard time for alittle boy. Another thing my brother, my sister and I shared.... memories of disfunctional parenting. Anyway his Mother came to visit him and my grandparents home and asked for a glass of water, When Kate went to go get it, She snapped Roy up and drove away never to be seen again.Daddy was always over protective with me because of this. I ahink always had to be home by 10 unless I called and ALWAYS had to let him know when I got home. Now my date and I could hang out on the porch, but I had to let Daddy know I was there. Plus no boy could honk and have me come out. They had to come to the door. I was a lady per my Daddy and needed to be treated as such.
Daddy made me dress like a lady to when I went to go to school. It was like pulling teeth to be able to wear jeans and a Tie Dyed T Shirt to school. "I don't want you going to school looking like a hippie"he would say. Soon he eased up when he realized ALL the girls were dressing this way.
Trying to raise a teen age daughter was hard for him I imagine. The day he took me shopping to get new clothes because my old ones were too tight in the bust he embarrased me without even thinking. I was in the dressing room and heard Daddy talking to the girl. Daddy was friendly and everyone loved him. I heard these words and slinked into the corner of the dressing room. "Yeah I had to bring Tina Nanette to get some new clothes because she said her little titties were growing:. OMG!so embarrassed!! I finally came out and said Daddy PLEASE do not ever ever say that again. He had no clue bless his heart.
Then I remember the time Daddy thought to look better he would by a FULL sized mans wig from a magazine. He called me into his room and said Daddy wants to show you something. I went in and there was my sweet cute Daddy wearing an ill fitting salt and pepper wispy curled wig. Helooked like and old woman. I said Daddy NO!!!!! I think it hurt his feelings but I had to tell him. That wig stayed in his drawer from that day on.
I never knew my Daddy to have a date after Mother. I guess he was too busy working and taking care of me. Even after I married I think he may have dated one woman whom I never met. He would always say there is no women for me like you and your Mother. I feel sad now that he spent his last days without someone. Someone normal, someone to take care of him. He was so happy just being my Daddy. I at the time would NEVER want him with another woman, But now I wish he had found someone. I met alot of great friends who would remain friends the rest of my life in High School Drama. The older graduates would hang with the High School Drama kids. It was Homecoming night 1976. I did not have a date but all of us Drama kids plus the older ones met at Denny's to eat and hang out.This is when I officially met the boy who would become my husband.
Soon it was time for me to graduate High School. I had no idea what I wanted to do. I loved to paint and draw and while in High School helped design and make sets for the musicals and I was even in a couple of plays, I loved make believe and it was fun to be someone else. I loved hair and makeup so I thought beauty school! My sweet Grandaddy wanted me to have a college education and was willing to pay for it. But his wife my step grandmother would not hear of it. I remember her calling me an saying I WOULD NOT TAKE MY GRANDFATHER'S money!! It was not HIS place to pay for my education etc. I told my Daddy and he was LIVID!!! He was not fond of her anyway. He always blamed her for losing his son, my brother Roy when he was little. Granddaddy and Kate had custody of Roy whiile Daddy was in the Navy. Roy remembers events where he was litterally pulled between both parents. Such a hard time for alittle boy. Another thing my brother, my sister and I shared.... memories of disfunctional parenting. Anyway his Mother came to visit him and my grandparents home and asked for a glass of water, When Kate went to go get it, She snapped Roy up and drove away never to be seen again.Daddy was always over protective with me because of this. I ahink always had to be home by 10 unless I called and ALWAYS had to let him know when I got home. Now my date and I could hang out on the porch, but I had to let Daddy know I was there. Plus no boy could honk and have me come out. They had to come to the door. I was a lady per my Daddy and needed to be treated as such.
Daddy made me dress like a lady to when I went to go to school. It was like pulling teeth to be able to wear jeans and a Tie Dyed T Shirt to school. "I don't want you going to school looking like a hippie"he would say. Soon he eased up when he realized ALL the girls were dressing this way.
Trying to raise a teen age daughter was hard for him I imagine. The day he took me shopping to get new clothes because my old ones were too tight in the bust he embarrased me without even thinking. I was in the dressing room and heard Daddy talking to the girl. Daddy was friendly and everyone loved him. I heard these words and slinked into the corner of the dressing room. "Yeah I had to bring Tina Nanette to get some new clothes because she said her little titties were growing:. OMG!so embarrassed!! I finally came out and said Daddy PLEASE do not ever ever say that again. He had no clue bless his heart.
Then I remember the time Daddy thought to look better he would by a FULL sized mans wig from a magazine. He called me into his room and said Daddy wants to show you something. I went in and there was my sweet cute Daddy wearing an ill fitting salt and pepper wispy curled wig. Helooked like and old woman. I said Daddy NO!!!!! I think it hurt his feelings but I had to tell him. That wig stayed in his drawer from that day on.
I never knew my Daddy to have a date after Mother. I guess he was too busy working and taking care of me. Even after I married I think he may have dated one woman whom I never met. He would always say there is no women for me like you and your Mother. I feel sad now that he spent his last days without someone. Someone normal, someone to take care of him. He was so happy just being my Daddy. I at the time would NEVER want him with another woman, But now I wish he had found someone. I met alot of great friends who would remain friends the rest of my life in High School Drama. The older graduates would hang with the High School Drama kids. It was Homecoming night 1976. I did not have a date but all of us Drama kids plus the older ones met at Denny's to eat and hang out.This is when I officially met the boy who would become my husband.
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Family, friends and numbness
The next few days were a blurr to me. I remember my Sister and family, Aunt Berta and Uncle Gerald and Uncle Jay and Aunt Mary coming for Mother's funeral. I also remember them whispering " I wish I could take her back etc" and other things. Why would they take me from my Daddy? He was the only good thing I had!I remember a boy from my class Freddie came to the funeral. He sat with me and it was nice to have a friend there. I always thought he was a great guy.
Marsha, My Aunt Roberta and I went to the funeral home and we saw Mother lying there in her coffin. Aunt Berta said for us to hold hands and pray. Being so stupid I thought she meant for me to grab Mother's hand too. It was cold, hard and creepy.But yet her hands looked normal and not twisted like before. It was like all the pain had been drained in death from her body. My niece who was almost 2 said " Grandma Billie is sleeping". That was the last time I looked upon my Mother.
It was hard to go back to school and see people. They all got in my face with " I am so sorry". " Can I do anything?'. Yes, just leave me alone. Daddy and I both I think felt numb for awhile. We got into our own normal rythmn. What is that?? Normal?? I had to learn to cook, clean and take care of the house. There were 2 very nice women at school that took me under their wings. Mrs. Benson from the office watched out for me and had me help her in the office one period a day. I liked that.
Then the home ec teacher had me make a chore chart and I got credit each week when I turned it in.
I tried cooking I really did, I was 13 and had no clue. My Daddy would cook hamburger patties alot and steaks. At least we did not starve. Daddy loved to play poker and would go to the VA hall and play on Tuesday nights. He continued that after Mother died. I remember I would cry when he was gone. I hated to be left alone and some nights would call there and ask him " Daddy when are you coming home?". It was his way to relax. He did not drink or smoke. He played golf and loved to gamble and bet. But I always knew how much my Daddy loved me. He made me safe, he told me he loved me every day. God knew my life would have been very very different if he had been the one to die and not Mother,
My sister lived on a farm in the Panhandle. Daddy would send me there to stay with her for all my holidays and vacations after Mother died. He knew I needed a woman in my life. I loved to go see her and my nephews! I made friends there and finally got to be a somewhat normal young girl! Plus there were some cute BOYS there!!! I was able to live the life of a normal girl giggling with friends and have no drama!
I remember the first boy I ever liked. I was in the 7th grade and his name was David Massingill. He was blond, blue eyed and CUTE!!! I got my first kiss by him. Daddy had taken us to the carnival and brought us home. We were waiting for his Mom to come get him. ( We were 14). He kissed me right there!! I even remember the date! March 3. 1971. Crazy right?
When the Exorcist movie came out I went to go see it with friends. There were flash scenes that were supposed to touch your subconcious. The Devil parts did not scare me but the flashes of a dead woman lying on a bed sure did. I came home and at 15 asked my Daddy if I could sleep in his room that night. It brought back my own dead Mother flashes. To this day I will NOT watch that movie because of those scenes. Devil?? BAH! Dead Mother?? OH NO!!!!
My sweet precious loving Daddy did the best he could. But I always had an emptiness and fear inside me and at times still do. I am afraid of being left, being unloved, being unworthy.I knowing I have abandonment issues from my childhood. I try my best but they are always there.
Boys, I turned 15-16 and had DATES!! Real dates with cars etc!! Daddy before I went out would always say ; 'Daddy trusts you". Which is code for NO SEX. SEX?? You got it Daddy no way!! I was saving myself for marriage. The first time a boy tried to touch my boob I freaked!!! I learned the arm over the boob trick and used it ALOT!! Why is it EVERY guy tried this manuver. No one got past a kiss with me. I guess that is why each time I had a boy friend we did not date long." A guy may date those girls Tina Nanette, but they will NEVER marry them. HA, well at least I had that going for me.
David, Ron,Rick, Leslie, John....these were the names of the guys I dated. These guys were special memories for a young girl But none were THE ONE. He would come a few years later,
I have the letters I wrote my sister during these years. I talk about boys and missing my Mother. What did I miss??Not the drunk or the crazy Mother but my mayo, pepper and movie Mother. I did not get to hang with that one enough.
One very strong memory I have is after Mother died. Maybe 3 months after. My best friend BB was spending the night. I heard my Mother. I got up and opend the door to her room. I turned on the light and there she was lying on the bed! We talked and she asked how Daddy and I were. She said she was good and in no pain and she loved me. Then she said she had to go. I turned around and my friend was in the hall shaking me telling me I was walking in my sleep. Was I sleeping? Did it happen? I have had to many after death experiences with family and friends since then. I believe my Mother did come to me. She was finally at peace and wanted to check on me.
Marsha, My Aunt Roberta and I went to the funeral home and we saw Mother lying there in her coffin. Aunt Berta said for us to hold hands and pray. Being so stupid I thought she meant for me to grab Mother's hand too. It was cold, hard and creepy.But yet her hands looked normal and not twisted like before. It was like all the pain had been drained in death from her body. My niece who was almost 2 said " Grandma Billie is sleeping". That was the last time I looked upon my Mother.
It was hard to go back to school and see people. They all got in my face with " I am so sorry". " Can I do anything?'. Yes, just leave me alone. Daddy and I both I think felt numb for awhile. We got into our own normal rythmn. What is that?? Normal?? I had to learn to cook, clean and take care of the house. There were 2 very nice women at school that took me under their wings. Mrs. Benson from the office watched out for me and had me help her in the office one period a day. I liked that.
Then the home ec teacher had me make a chore chart and I got credit each week when I turned it in.
I tried cooking I really did, I was 13 and had no clue. My Daddy would cook hamburger patties alot and steaks. At least we did not starve. Daddy loved to play poker and would go to the VA hall and play on Tuesday nights. He continued that after Mother died. I remember I would cry when he was gone. I hated to be left alone and some nights would call there and ask him " Daddy when are you coming home?". It was his way to relax. He did not drink or smoke. He played golf and loved to gamble and bet. But I always knew how much my Daddy loved me. He made me safe, he told me he loved me every day. God knew my life would have been very very different if he had been the one to die and not Mother,
My sister lived on a farm in the Panhandle. Daddy would send me there to stay with her for all my holidays and vacations after Mother died. He knew I needed a woman in my life. I loved to go see her and my nephews! I made friends there and finally got to be a somewhat normal young girl! Plus there were some cute BOYS there!!! I was able to live the life of a normal girl giggling with friends and have no drama!
I remember the first boy I ever liked. I was in the 7th grade and his name was David Massingill. He was blond, blue eyed and CUTE!!! I got my first kiss by him. Daddy had taken us to the carnival and brought us home. We were waiting for his Mom to come get him. ( We were 14). He kissed me right there!! I even remember the date! March 3. 1971. Crazy right?
When the Exorcist movie came out I went to go see it with friends. There were flash scenes that were supposed to touch your subconcious. The Devil parts did not scare me but the flashes of a dead woman lying on a bed sure did. I came home and at 15 asked my Daddy if I could sleep in his room that night. It brought back my own dead Mother flashes. To this day I will NOT watch that movie because of those scenes. Devil?? BAH! Dead Mother?? OH NO!!!!
My sweet precious loving Daddy did the best he could. But I always had an emptiness and fear inside me and at times still do. I am afraid of being left, being unloved, being unworthy.I knowing I have abandonment issues from my childhood. I try my best but they are always there.
Boys, I turned 15-16 and had DATES!! Real dates with cars etc!! Daddy before I went out would always say ; 'Daddy trusts you". Which is code for NO SEX. SEX?? You got it Daddy no way!! I was saving myself for marriage. The first time a boy tried to touch my boob I freaked!!! I learned the arm over the boob trick and used it ALOT!! Why is it EVERY guy tried this manuver. No one got past a kiss with me. I guess that is why each time I had a boy friend we did not date long." A guy may date those girls Tina Nanette, but they will NEVER marry them. HA, well at least I had that going for me.
David, Ron,Rick, Leslie, John....these were the names of the guys I dated. These guys were special memories for a young girl But none were THE ONE. He would come a few years later,
I have the letters I wrote my sister during these years. I talk about boys and missing my Mother. What did I miss??Not the drunk or the crazy Mother but my mayo, pepper and movie Mother. I did not get to hang with that one enough.
One very strong memory I have is after Mother died. Maybe 3 months after. My best friend BB was spending the night. I heard my Mother. I got up and opend the door to her room. I turned on the light and there she was lying on the bed! We talked and she asked how Daddy and I were. She said she was good and in no pain and she loved me. Then she said she had to go. I turned around and my friend was in the hall shaking me telling me I was walking in my sleep. Was I sleeping? Did it happen? I have had to many after death experiences with family and friends since then. I believe my Mother did come to me. She was finally at peace and wanted to check on me.
Saturday, April 25, 2015
Teen Idols, Crushes and the Summer and Fall of 1971
My first crush was not a boy next door or a boy at school but a young British lad with stars in his eyes. The first time I saw The Monkees on TV I was HOOKED! He was so cute, Dreamy and I was going to grow up and marry him. He was MY Davy! My Best friend BB would love Mike, then Peter, then Micky but never MY Davy. Mother would take me to Woolworth's and I would by the new 16 magazine, Tiger Beat, Fave and Monkee Spectacular magazines.I had all theor record and would listen to them over and over again. I would take out the photos of Davy and plaster them all over my walls. I was able to escape into a world of dreams, music and a boy who was just my size and would wait for me to grow up. He would be a part of my heart all my life. My first love even though he was a celebrity. I was able to meet him years later. I was crushed he was not the man I had imagined. He was going through a divorce at the time I found out later and was not a happy time for him. That story is a good one I will share later along the way.
Well life happens and it was announced Davy got married and had a family!! WHAT?? He did not wait for me?? Who is this cute dimpled blue eyed wonder on this new ABC TV show Here Come The Brides?? His name was Bobby Sherman. Davy who?
I once again filled my room with posters and read every magazine I could get. Even Mother would watch the show with me and thought Bobby was cute. BB now like David Cassidy and The Patridge family. David was ok but he was no Bobby.
For some reason the last year of my Mother's life she and I left Daddy and traveled alot during the summer. We spent a week with a friend of hers from when she was married to Carver in Ft Worth. Aunt ( there is that word again for female friend of my parents) Carol had an older daughter who was very nice to me and took me to my first concert that week. It was a group called The Yellow Pages. Mother and Aunt Carol would go out and leave me there with the daughter. I remember one night that week when they were out I had HORRIBLE pains and thought I was going to DIE. I went to the bathroom and their was blood in my underware. Well from school and PE class where we saw THAT movie and got THAT pamphlet I knew I had started my period. I was scared and just took toliet paper and put in my panties to catch the flow. The next morning I told Mother and she said we have to call your Daddy. I remember these words she spoke to him: "Your daughter is a woman now". Huh?? A woman I don't think so Mother, just make the pain go away.
Then the next trip that summer we went to see my mother's Sister Roberta and family. I loved my Aunt Roberta, She was beautiful and her home was normal. My cousin Phyllis was 4 years older than me and I loved her so much! She was pretty, popular and made me feel a part of things. I loved being around her and still do.But while we were there Mother started having more stomach pain. She had complained of stomach pain all my life and called it her Pluresy. She would sleep alot and finally we decided to go back home. I remember while we were gone on these trips Daddy calling to check on me and sending us money etc. I think he was worried but I am sure the break was nice for him away from all the craziness.
Next we went to see my sister Marsha before school started. It was August. I loved going to see my big sister. Her sons my nephews were like my brothers. Danny was a year older, Barry and I were the same age, Kerry was a year younger. I had a niece Cynthia who had just turned one.I loved being with them. My brother in law Jack was a big strong man. Growing up I was always a bit afraid of him but he was always nice to me.
During the time we were there Mother's stomach pain got worse. She could not get out of bed and kept being unable to hold her bowels. Marsha would come and clean her up until she finally had to call an abulance and they took our Mother to the hospital in Dimmitt. Daddy came and we transported Mother back home. She spent one night at the house and the next day was admitted to St John's hospital. She never came home.
They had a pump I remember down her nose and were draining horrible things from her stomach. Years of her abusing her body draining out of her. I remember the smell of that room. They smell of death. Sicky, sweet and pungent. You smell that once you never ever forget it. During that time I read in the paper Bobby Sherman was coming to Abiline. Abilene was only an hour and half away.' Can I go Daddy? Can I go??. Daddy I am sure wanted to do something for his precious girl. We got tickets.
The last thing I talked to my Mother was about was seeing Bobby Sherman. We had a nice woman who helped Daddy with me and the house named Tillie.Daddy had to have Tillie stay with Mother in the hospital because she would pull out her tubes. They had her on so much pain medicine I remember she was very very loopy.
Daddy took me to see Bobby. I remember him taking me to by a dress to wear. I chose a cute stripped mini dress. Bobby would love it HA!. That night was a dream. I loved the music, the girls screaming, those tight blue pants with the silver fringe. I remember crying all the way home and Daddy asking are you ok?? " I am just SO HAPPY Daddy!". He loved to tell that story later about me crying and being happy.
It was a school day the next day and after Daddy picked me up we went and saw Mother. I was so excited to tell her all about seeing Bobby and the concert. She had perked up and was even arguing with the nurses. She feels better!! Yeah!!
They say people rally and come around before they die. Mother did. She could not have weighed more than 75 pounds, Her life at 55 was used up. She was a flame that burned too fast and was too volitile. The next morning was Saturday. The phone rang, It was for Daddy. He answered hung up the phone and said I will be back. After he left I knew. I just knew. Mother was gone. My crazy Mother. My drunk and pill popping Mother, My let's eat sandwiches and watch movies Mother. My only Mother. Daddy came home and before he could say anything I said. Mother died didn;t she?" Yes Daddy said and started crying........ I was 13. What Daddy and I had seen and gone through with Mother in 13 years was like a lifetime.. I think we both felt saddness but a relief. It was now him and I against the world.
Well life happens and it was announced Davy got married and had a family!! WHAT?? He did not wait for me?? Who is this cute dimpled blue eyed wonder on this new ABC TV show Here Come The Brides?? His name was Bobby Sherman. Davy who?
I once again filled my room with posters and read every magazine I could get. Even Mother would watch the show with me and thought Bobby was cute. BB now like David Cassidy and The Patridge family. David was ok but he was no Bobby.
For some reason the last year of my Mother's life she and I left Daddy and traveled alot during the summer. We spent a week with a friend of hers from when she was married to Carver in Ft Worth. Aunt ( there is that word again for female friend of my parents) Carol had an older daughter who was very nice to me and took me to my first concert that week. It was a group called The Yellow Pages. Mother and Aunt Carol would go out and leave me there with the daughter. I remember one night that week when they were out I had HORRIBLE pains and thought I was going to DIE. I went to the bathroom and their was blood in my underware. Well from school and PE class where we saw THAT movie and got THAT pamphlet I knew I had started my period. I was scared and just took toliet paper and put in my panties to catch the flow. The next morning I told Mother and she said we have to call your Daddy. I remember these words she spoke to him: "Your daughter is a woman now". Huh?? A woman I don't think so Mother, just make the pain go away.
Then the next trip that summer we went to see my mother's Sister Roberta and family. I loved my Aunt Roberta, She was beautiful and her home was normal. My cousin Phyllis was 4 years older than me and I loved her so much! She was pretty, popular and made me feel a part of things. I loved being around her and still do.But while we were there Mother started having more stomach pain. She had complained of stomach pain all my life and called it her Pluresy. She would sleep alot and finally we decided to go back home. I remember while we were gone on these trips Daddy calling to check on me and sending us money etc. I think he was worried but I am sure the break was nice for him away from all the craziness.
Next we went to see my sister Marsha before school started. It was August. I loved going to see my big sister. Her sons my nephews were like my brothers. Danny was a year older, Barry and I were the same age, Kerry was a year younger. I had a niece Cynthia who had just turned one.I loved being with them. My brother in law Jack was a big strong man. Growing up I was always a bit afraid of him but he was always nice to me.
During the time we were there Mother's stomach pain got worse. She could not get out of bed and kept being unable to hold her bowels. Marsha would come and clean her up until she finally had to call an abulance and they took our Mother to the hospital in Dimmitt. Daddy came and we transported Mother back home. She spent one night at the house and the next day was admitted to St John's hospital. She never came home.
They had a pump I remember down her nose and were draining horrible things from her stomach. Years of her abusing her body draining out of her. I remember the smell of that room. They smell of death. Sicky, sweet and pungent. You smell that once you never ever forget it. During that time I read in the paper Bobby Sherman was coming to Abiline. Abilene was only an hour and half away.' Can I go Daddy? Can I go??. Daddy I am sure wanted to do something for his precious girl. We got tickets.
The last thing I talked to my Mother was about was seeing Bobby Sherman. We had a nice woman who helped Daddy with me and the house named Tillie.Daddy had to have Tillie stay with Mother in the hospital because she would pull out her tubes. They had her on so much pain medicine I remember she was very very loopy.
Daddy took me to see Bobby. I remember him taking me to by a dress to wear. I chose a cute stripped mini dress. Bobby would love it HA!. That night was a dream. I loved the music, the girls screaming, those tight blue pants with the silver fringe. I remember crying all the way home and Daddy asking are you ok?? " I am just SO HAPPY Daddy!". He loved to tell that story later about me crying and being happy.
It was a school day the next day and after Daddy picked me up we went and saw Mother. I was so excited to tell her all about seeing Bobby and the concert. She had perked up and was even arguing with the nurses. She feels better!! Yeah!!
They say people rally and come around before they die. Mother did. She could not have weighed more than 75 pounds, Her life at 55 was used up. She was a flame that burned too fast and was too volitile. The next morning was Saturday. The phone rang, It was for Daddy. He answered hung up the phone and said I will be back. After he left I knew. I just knew. Mother was gone. My crazy Mother. My drunk and pill popping Mother, My let's eat sandwiches and watch movies Mother. My only Mother. Daddy came home and before he could say anything I said. Mother died didn;t she?" Yes Daddy said and started crying........ I was 13. What Daddy and I had seen and gone through with Mother in 13 years was like a lifetime.. I think we both felt saddness but a relief. It was now him and I against the world.
Friday, April 24, 2015
.JPG)
Memories good and bad start returning.
Like I stated before I remember never seeing my Mother drink. Funny I never hardly saw her eat either. Mother was small 4'11 and maybe weighed 100 pounds. She drank alot of coffee and smoked alot. I remember seeing her in the bathroom sticking her fingers down her throat to make herself throw up. She always told me she was sick at her stomach, She did that ALOT. I was unaware at the time what Bullimia was. Years later when I recalled this to my sister Marsha she said 'Oh yes, Mother was bullimic". Wow that explains alot.
Mother not only drank in secret she took sleeping pills. I remember bottle with little yellow capsules in her lingere drawer. Mother had people get her these. Her friend Effie who lived in a shack with rooms and trailers filled to the celing with old musty moldy clothes and shoes. We would spend hours at her house and mother and we would play penuckle and Effie would sew me costumes to wear. They were sweet folks Slim and Effie but my Daddy did not like them, I realize they were enablers and supported my Mother's drinking and pill taking and stories I am sure she told of being mistreated,
I remember Mother going to Daddy's car lot when he was not there and seeing a man that worked for him and got the little bottle of yellow pills from him too. Why were these people doing this? What did she say to them? What did she do? My next memory came back several month's ago and I think I know somethings she did to get these.
All her and Daddy's friends I call Uncle this and Aunt that, Even the plumber was Uncle Keith, He was such a nice man. When he would come and work on the plunbing he would let me watch and tell me what he was doing. Years later when my Daddy died he was the only person that came to the gravesite service along with family. That always touched me he did that.
There was an old timey Drug Store on Sherwood Way in San Angelo when I was little Mother would take me to and get me a soda or sundae and let me sit at the big counter on a stool. I would drink my soda or eat my ice cream and read the magazines there while she went to the back with the owner. I know I may sit there 30 minutes or more but was told to stay so I did. I do not know what went on in the back room with this man and my mother but she left with what she wanted, I am sure he got something in return to from her. I will never ever know.
Then there was the weird and strange memory I have of Mother showing me her body. Her breasts were saggy and droppy from taking a medicine she told me to dry up her milk after I was born. I remember them looking like deflated balloons. She showed me what a vagina looked liked. Wow was that an ugly thing. She never had me touch her and she never touched me just showed me and for some reason I remember holding a mirror and looking at myself down there, That had to be the ugliest thing I had ever seen, That is my Vagina?YUCK. Why did she do this?How did affect me later in life? I know I do not like to look at my body and have always been self concious of my body and how it looked. Another experience to warp a young mind.
But she did have a Motherly side that came out at times. She was my Mother,The Mother life dealt me, I loved her. Did I have a choice? Why could I not have the uncrazy Mother of most of my friends??
I can remember a Mother who loved to fix my long hair and dress me up. She would let me have her used red lipstick and red rouge to play with. She would make a pallet on the floor and we would watch TV and movies and eat ham sandwiches with mayo and pepper, Funny I she always ended up giving me hers and ate mine. Mother's always tasted better.I loved her letting me watch the 9 o clock movie on KTVT each night. When the 10 o clock news would come on she would have me close my eyes to rest until the movie came back on. I do not think I ever saw the endings of many of these movies till years later. Johnny Belinda, Imatation of Life and others were her favorites.I loved watching movies with her and her telling me all about the actors.I have many pictures of her with the Cisco Kid and Pancho and her and the set. I love and cherish when we would watch the Cisco Kid and she might see her self in a scene and show me.
Mother had something I unfortunatly inherited from her. Arthritis.She had rheumatoid like her Mother. Her hands and knuckles were red and twisted. She still would draw and loved to sketch. I have a few of her sketches. Marsha and I both got our drawing and painting talent from her. Thank you Mother for that. Oh I never called her Mom or Mama or Mommy. It was always Mother. I called Marsha just sister when I was little and not till I was much older call her by her name.
No matter what when we would go out Mother would dress up and put on makeup. I enjoyed watching her. She died her hair Lucy red and would curl it and wear it long. Folks would always comment on her hair. Maybe that is why I wear my hair long and curled who knows?
She would watch my favorite shows with me; we would watch The Monkees and then Here Come The Brides. She thought the Teen Idols I loved were as cute as I did. The Teen Idols of my youth helped me escape to a world that I needed......
Mother not only drank in secret she took sleeping pills. I remember bottle with little yellow capsules in her lingere drawer. Mother had people get her these. Her friend Effie who lived in a shack with rooms and trailers filled to the celing with old musty moldy clothes and shoes. We would spend hours at her house and mother and we would play penuckle and Effie would sew me costumes to wear. They were sweet folks Slim and Effie but my Daddy did not like them, I realize they were enablers and supported my Mother's drinking and pill taking and stories I am sure she told of being mistreated,
I remember Mother going to Daddy's car lot when he was not there and seeing a man that worked for him and got the little bottle of yellow pills from him too. Why were these people doing this? What did she say to them? What did she do? My next memory came back several month's ago and I think I know somethings she did to get these.
All her and Daddy's friends I call Uncle this and Aunt that, Even the plumber was Uncle Keith, He was such a nice man. When he would come and work on the plunbing he would let me watch and tell me what he was doing. Years later when my Daddy died he was the only person that came to the gravesite service along with family. That always touched me he did that.
There was an old timey Drug Store on Sherwood Way in San Angelo when I was little Mother would take me to and get me a soda or sundae and let me sit at the big counter on a stool. I would drink my soda or eat my ice cream and read the magazines there while she went to the back with the owner. I know I may sit there 30 minutes or more but was told to stay so I did. I do not know what went on in the back room with this man and my mother but she left with what she wanted, I am sure he got something in return to from her. I will never ever know.
Then there was the weird and strange memory I have of Mother showing me her body. Her breasts were saggy and droppy from taking a medicine she told me to dry up her milk after I was born. I remember them looking like deflated balloons. She showed me what a vagina looked liked. Wow was that an ugly thing. She never had me touch her and she never touched me just showed me and for some reason I remember holding a mirror and looking at myself down there, That had to be the ugliest thing I had ever seen, That is my Vagina?YUCK. Why did she do this?How did affect me later in life? I know I do not like to look at my body and have always been self concious of my body and how it looked. Another experience to warp a young mind.
But she did have a Motherly side that came out at times. She was my Mother,The Mother life dealt me, I loved her. Did I have a choice? Why could I not have the uncrazy Mother of most of my friends??
I can remember a Mother who loved to fix my long hair and dress me up. She would let me have her used red lipstick and red rouge to play with. She would make a pallet on the floor and we would watch TV and movies and eat ham sandwiches with mayo and pepper, Funny I she always ended up giving me hers and ate mine. Mother's always tasted better.I loved her letting me watch the 9 o clock movie on KTVT each night. When the 10 o clock news would come on she would have me close my eyes to rest until the movie came back on. I do not think I ever saw the endings of many of these movies till years later. Johnny Belinda, Imatation of Life and others were her favorites.I loved watching movies with her and her telling me all about the actors.I have many pictures of her with the Cisco Kid and Pancho and her and the set. I love and cherish when we would watch the Cisco Kid and she might see her self in a scene and show me.
Mother had something I unfortunatly inherited from her. Arthritis.She had rheumatoid like her Mother. Her hands and knuckles were red and twisted. She still would draw and loved to sketch. I have a few of her sketches. Marsha and I both got our drawing and painting talent from her. Thank you Mother for that. Oh I never called her Mom or Mama or Mommy. It was always Mother. I called Marsha just sister when I was little and not till I was much older call her by her name.
No matter what when we would go out Mother would dress up and put on makeup. I enjoyed watching her. She died her hair Lucy red and would curl it and wear it long. Folks would always comment on her hair. Maybe that is why I wear my hair long and curled who knows?
She would watch my favorite shows with me; we would watch The Monkees and then Here Come The Brides. She thought the Teen Idols I loved were as cute as I did. The Teen Idols of my youth helped me escape to a world that I needed......
Thursday, April 23, 2015
My Other Mother
I remember the first time I knew my Mother was drunk and I was so embarrassed. I was 9 and had gone to spend the night with my friend Christine. Mother came to pick me up and instead of coming to the door; stood out side of the car and blew the horn. Her tassled Lampshade looking sun hat on her head screaming " Tina Nanette get out herer!!", I knew she was drunk and remembered my Daddy telling me never to get in the car with her if she had been drinking. I called Daddy at his office and he said do not go out stay inside. Before Daddy could get there a neighbor called the Police. And sure enough there was a scene that ended with them taking Mother to jail while I was with my friend crying...... Daddy did not go get her till the next day.
Then there was the time I was about 4 that she first went to Big Spring State Mental Hospital. Daddy did not know what else to do? That is what the Dr's said she needed. They gave her shock treatmens She went again when I was 10 and when she came home she would have seisures and we would have to hold her down. What fun for a child right?The kids that knew she was there teased me about my "Crazy Mother".
When she came back and was Room Mother she showed up a party at school drunk. I was so embarrassed. Funny thing is I never ever saw my Mother take a drink. I saw the after effect. She was a closet drunk. When she died we found vodka bottles hidden all around the house.
I would have dreams at night that I had 2 Mother's. One good and One bad. The bad one would pretend she loved me and trick me. Then BAM the bad Mother would appear. I guess that is a child's way or coping.
Poor Daddy did the best he could. He loved Mother but looking back I realize what he went through for me. like
When I was about 8 I woke up and could not find Mother. For some reason I slept in Mother's bed and Daddy had his own room. I remember because of Mother;s back she had to sleep with a board under the matteras. Daddy said he could not sleep that way. I always wondered why they weren't like normal parents that slept together.Anyway I found her in the kitchen in a pool of blood. She had slit her wrisrs. I screamed, Daddy came and then the ambulance. Another show for the neighbors from the Crazy Bradshaw house. I remember the police and bloody towels on the back porch.
I came home one day around 10 and Mother had been drinking. She had called all the family to tell them she was unhappy and Daddy mistreated her etc. When I got home she had one of Daddy's guns out and told me she was going to kill my Daddy when he got home.While we were ont the floor this 10 year old girl tried to reason with her drunk mother. "Momma you love Daddy, you don't want to kill him. Then she said "well then I will kill myself". So this 10 year old girl said" No Mama, you don't want to kill yourself I love you", From what I can remember shortly after this she passed out on the floor and I took the gun away from her...... Daddy came home and I told him what happened.That is when she went to The State Hosptial for help the second time.
Funny thing when Mother was not drinking she could be so sweet and loving and give you the shirt off her back if you wanted it. She sang around the house" The Old Rugged Cross", "Please Release Me" and "Winter Wonderland". I loved that Mother alot. She loved to let me stay up and watch old movies with her. She would tell me each actors name and if she had met them. One of her husbands Felix Tanco was a Producer of The Cisco Kid TV show. Mother got to meet and hang with George Goebel, Buddy Ebson and more. She loved movies and gave me my love for them too.
That is the fun Mother who would never hurt me .It is the one who did things that I don't understand that has given problems and nightmares.Memories now come back that I have long repressed.......
Then there was the time I was about 4 that she first went to Big Spring State Mental Hospital. Daddy did not know what else to do? That is what the Dr's said she needed. They gave her shock treatmens She went again when I was 10 and when she came home she would have seisures and we would have to hold her down. What fun for a child right?The kids that knew she was there teased me about my "Crazy Mother".
When she came back and was Room Mother she showed up a party at school drunk. I was so embarrassed. Funny thing is I never ever saw my Mother take a drink. I saw the after effect. She was a closet drunk. When she died we found vodka bottles hidden all around the house.
I would have dreams at night that I had 2 Mother's. One good and One bad. The bad one would pretend she loved me and trick me. Then BAM the bad Mother would appear. I guess that is a child's way or coping.
Poor Daddy did the best he could. He loved Mother but looking back I realize what he went through for me. like
When I was about 8 I woke up and could not find Mother. For some reason I slept in Mother's bed and Daddy had his own room. I remember because of Mother;s back she had to sleep with a board under the matteras. Daddy said he could not sleep that way. I always wondered why they weren't like normal parents that slept together.Anyway I found her in the kitchen in a pool of blood. She had slit her wrisrs. I screamed, Daddy came and then the ambulance. Another show for the neighbors from the Crazy Bradshaw house. I remember the police and bloody towels on the back porch.
I came home one day around 10 and Mother had been drinking. She had called all the family to tell them she was unhappy and Daddy mistreated her etc. When I got home she had one of Daddy's guns out and told me she was going to kill my Daddy when he got home.While we were ont the floor this 10 year old girl tried to reason with her drunk mother. "Momma you love Daddy, you don't want to kill him. Then she said "well then I will kill myself". So this 10 year old girl said" No Mama, you don't want to kill yourself I love you", From what I can remember shortly after this she passed out on the floor and I took the gun away from her...... Daddy came home and I told him what happened.That is when she went to The State Hosptial for help the second time.
Funny thing when Mother was not drinking she could be so sweet and loving and give you the shirt off her back if you wanted it. She sang around the house" The Old Rugged Cross", "Please Release Me" and "Winter Wonderland". I loved that Mother alot. She loved to let me stay up and watch old movies with her. She would tell me each actors name and if she had met them. One of her husbands Felix Tanco was a Producer of The Cisco Kid TV show. Mother got to meet and hang with George Goebel, Buddy Ebson and more. She loved movies and gave me my love for them too.
That is the fun Mother who would never hurt me .It is the one who did things that I don't understand that has given problems and nightmares.Memories now come back that I have long repressed.......
April 23 My Mother's Birthday
April 23,2015
Today is my Mother's Birthday. She would have been 99.Mother died when I was 13.Not long enough to have one but long enough to be affected the rest of my life by the way she lived hers.
We all have our demons, our stories, things we would never ever tell anyone for fear of ridicule or fear of being looked down on. My Mother put the Func in Disfunctional. I have flashes of scenes of my life growing up that I remember now. Scary things where I ask myself if it really happened? But I know they did. It was just a young mind repressing things it could not understand or deal with,
I know I need to make changes in my own life. Feel better about myself, Lose weight etc. I first must deal with why I feel the way I do. Inadaquate, ugly, fat, unworthy,not good enough, fear of losing the ones I love. Fear of not being loved.
I was born May 14 1958 to Arthur and Billie Bradshaw. Daddy had been married before and had one son Roy a brother I never knew until years later,( that is for another day),Mother had been married 6 times( Yes I said 6) and had one daughter my sister Marsha ( chapter for another day). Mother married at 13, ( he was older and died 3 months ! OH MY), at 16 to my sister's fatehr Claude Hutcherson.She left Marsha with Claude at 18 and ran off. She was not ready to be a Mother and Marsha had issues with this all her life. Next she married Carver Hoyle, then Felix Tanco, ( divorced) then remarried Felix and while married to him the second time met my Daddy. The rest as they say is history.
Little did my Dad know my Mother had issues.She drank, took pills, etc. He did as best he could and finally could not live with her anymore.They day he went to see a lawyer is the same day my Mother went to the Dr. Yep you guessed it! She was pregnant with me and got her news out first when Daddy came home. Daddy said Mother was sober and took care of herself while pregnant. But soon after I was 3 she started back to her old, old ways.
Today is my Mother's Birthday. She would have been 99.Mother died when I was 13.Not long enough to have one but long enough to be affected the rest of my life by the way she lived hers.
We all have our demons, our stories, things we would never ever tell anyone for fear of ridicule or fear of being looked down on. My Mother put the Func in Disfunctional. I have flashes of scenes of my life growing up that I remember now. Scary things where I ask myself if it really happened? But I know they did. It was just a young mind repressing things it could not understand or deal with,
I know I need to make changes in my own life. Feel better about myself, Lose weight etc. I first must deal with why I feel the way I do. Inadaquate, ugly, fat, unworthy,not good enough, fear of losing the ones I love. Fear of not being loved.
I was born May 14 1958 to Arthur and Billie Bradshaw. Daddy had been married before and had one son Roy a brother I never knew until years later,( that is for another day),Mother had been married 6 times( Yes I said 6) and had one daughter my sister Marsha ( chapter for another day). Mother married at 13, ( he was older and died 3 months ! OH MY), at 16 to my sister's fatehr Claude Hutcherson.She left Marsha with Claude at 18 and ran off. She was not ready to be a Mother and Marsha had issues with this all her life. Next she married Carver Hoyle, then Felix Tanco, ( divorced) then remarried Felix and while married to him the second time met my Daddy. The rest as they say is history.
Little did my Dad know my Mother had issues.She drank, took pills, etc. He did as best he could and finally could not live with her anymore.They day he went to see a lawyer is the same day my Mother went to the Dr. Yep you guessed it! She was pregnant with me and got her news out first when Daddy came home. Daddy said Mother was sober and took care of herself while pregnant. But soon after I was 3 she started back to her old, old ways.
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